Why Can’t Husbands Be More Like Edward Cullen?
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By Contributing Editor Jenny Isenman
Visit her blog at suburbanjungle.net
So, I am reading the Twilight series. I’m sorry did I say reading, I meant obsessed with as in, would be a stalker of the main character if he were not A) A Vampire B) Fictional. Not exactly in that order. What this says about me is that I am mentally stuck somewhere in high school, and living vicariously through this girl’s foray into a world of love and incredibly romantic, thoughtful, and charmingly chivalrous monsters.
As I left to go food shopping last night, I confronted Mark (husband) with my current grievance, as I felt it need to be addressed immediately.
“Mark, why can’t you be more like a Edward Cullen.”
“You mean a vampire?”
“No, I just want you to be obsessed with me in a, ‘Can’t take your eyes off me. You would never let me get hurt, Can’t live without me,’ kinda way.’
“Oh that, obviously. Okay. I can do that. If there is a banana peal at Publix, I will swoop in and kick it out of the way so that someone other than you trips on it and you won’t even see me, but I will always be keeping you safe and never take my eyes off you.”
“Phew, that was easy.”
“Now, could you move a bit to the left. I can’t see the game.”
So he fell off the wagon. He’s rusty, it’s been a decade since he couldn’t take his eyes or his hands or his penis off me. Frankly, the last one was getting annoying, especially in public. But shock therapy cured that right quick. The truth is, once you say “I do,” your kinda old hat. Well, not long after.
How much more obsessing and wooing is necessary, I hate the saying but, “he bought the cow.” It’s so hard to be a challenge when your married, I used to say things like, “yeah, well maybe I’ll have your kids.” Now I say things like, “yeah, maybe I’ll get your laundry.” Just trying to keep him on his toes. One day I could say things like, “yeah, maybe I’ll tell you where I hid your teeth.”
Other tactics I use to threaten his security in our marriage include, picking fights over the dishes, pointing out the things he forgets and as is evidenced here, comparing him to fictional characters that are kind and sensitive, and confident, and funny, and don’t exist in real life and if they did they’d be gay anyway.
Today I had an uncomfortable experience at Starbucks and quickly texted him this: “Hey, I burnt my tongue! Where were you?!”
He texted thus: “You didn’t see me? I already treated that tongue wound. Bet it’s feeling better now isn’t it? You were hot last night…don’t forget Jake has practice today.”
Okay, he’s trying. But, there were some errors which I pointed out in my next text: “I like when you tell me I’m hot and remind me of a practice in the same sentence, talk about hot. PS I don’t know what you used, but my tongue hurts even more!”
To which he responded: “Salt… short term it may be a bit more painful, but long term it will heal faster.”
Got to give him credit on that one. I really had no idea he treated it, but it does seem to have healed nicely. I think it was worth the extra pain… it feels so good I could even have soup tonight.
About Jenny:
I am a neurotic mother of two amazing, wonderful, brilliant, perfect children which is saying a lot because I am a harsh critic and an uncompromising disciplinarian. You know, the kids have to sing for their supper kinda stuff… well, they at least have to ask… well, a grunt would be nice. Actually, they just sit and I make multiple meals until one is worthy of their sophisticated taste buds and doesn’t exacerbate their fear of burnt spots, crust, pizza bubbles, or food that touches other food. It is my job to keep them protected from the Florida sun, prehistoric insects, and plasticware with the number 3, 6, or 7 on the bottom. I have to expose them to just enough germs to build their immune system, while using little enough sanitizer to keep them healthy. I also have to remember to feed and water them daily.
A freelance writer for magazines such as InStyle and Mademoiselle, I also have a fabulously funny and relatable blog called suburbanjungle.net
Just gotta try this Creamy Avocado Dip recipe via Momables.com - love how you can spread it on a sandwich in lieu of Mayo! 
Comment by Todd on Nov 19 2009 04:53:49:
Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen who STALKS Bella, as in breaking into her home and staring at her while she sleeps. Who threatens her when she wants to see another man for some reason. he abandons her and forbids a friend from seeing her. THIS is what you want us to act like? Jenny, I’m afraid for you and your children.
Comment by Pam on Feb 23 2010 11:19:55:
Todd, either you have not read the books, have poor reading comprehension, or have intentionally misconstrued this story in order to suit your need to bash its readers. Edward Cullen does not stalk Bella. Yes, he goes into her room, but not for the reasons you are trying to put forward.
His reasons for going to her room are as follows, 1.) he is immortal, she is not. This incredible imbalance has made him absolutely terrified that something might happen to her. She has become the center of his world and as such, he will do anything to protect her. He knows that she is not only accident prone and liable to attract the most dangerous people/monsters in the world, but that there are things out there that are much, much more dangerous than him. He feels compelled to look out for her. To protect her. In his position, wouldn’t you do the same to protect the woman that you love?
2.) he wants to make himself immune to her scent. The longer he goes away from her, the harder her scent hits him when next he is exposed to it. This is very dangerous for her, as it might tip the scale in favor of him losing control and actually killing her.
3.) is actually a combo – for the first time in over a hundred years he’s in love, he’s a vampire (with all of the wild and dangerous passions that mythical creature is supposed to have {remember, he isn’t human}, and he is a perpetual teenager full of the hormones and angst of that age. In short, if Edward Cullen were anything other than a fictional VAMPIRE, then yes, it would be a problem. But we’re not judging him as the the guy next door. We’re judging him as the character that was created.
Edward never threatens Bella. That’s absolutely ridiculous. He tries to keep her from wandering around in the woods when there is a pack of dangerous vampires who are out to kill her for revenge. He wants to keep her safe, either with him or some other person who can protect her.
The guy she tries to see is a werewolf. Not only does he believe the wolves are terribly bloodthirsty and dangerous, but he and his family are unable to protect her there as they are forbidden from going onto the reservation where they live. If anything, Bella is the one at fault for being an incredible idiot who thinks only of herself and her passing, transitory, selfish wants. Like a two year old.
He doesn’t abandon her. He breaks up with her. Since when has ending a relationship been a crime or a mark of evil? Should we all carry on with people we do not wish to be with? Besides all of which, he ended the relationship in order to keep her safe, as he truly feels she should not be around those of his kind. He asks his FAMILY to refrain from contacting her in order to spare her the pain of opening old wounds.
Again, Todd. I don’t know where you get your incredibly poor information. I only hope it’s third hand knowledge, because if you read the book and came to the conclusions you stated in your comment, then your reading comprehension skills must be that of a fourth grader. Incredibly pathetic.
What’s also pathetic is that you would dare to bring this woman’s children and her parenting skills into question simply in order to bolster your half-baked, spiteful, and cowardly attack on the writer of this article. What a man you must be, Todd. A real catch. I bet you know a thing or two about mistreating a woman. It certainly sounds that way.
Comment by Holly on Jul 06 2010 07:34:27:
YOU GO GIRL!!!!! Team Edward!! I wish my husband would stalk me and watch me in my sleep and keep me as safe as Edward does Bella!
Comment by pixie on Dec 30 2011 11:46:52:
I wish my husband was an emotionally abusive, controlling stalker but, alas, I had to settle for a husband who adores me but gives me space, has a sense of humor, and trusts me to make decisions for myself and my family.
Thanks, Todd, for being the voice of reason about Edward’s behavior.