Parenting vs. Step-parenting
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Article Courtesy of Boston.com
By Lylah M. Alphonse
I was watching my kids interact recently, and it occurred to me that they’re like a bunch of magnets, shaken up in one of those cups you use in Vegas to roll the dice before spilling them out onto the table. Sometimes, they’re all glommed together, five wildly different kids at five wildly different stages, somehow forming a cohesive unit. Other times, it’s as if they’re all negatively charged, scattering throughout the house, caroming against and away from one another.
Call me idealistic, but I’m pretty sure the latter happens because of their ages and developmental stages — we’ve got two teenagers, a tween, a preschooler, and a toddler right now — and not because only two of them were born to me.
As a step-parent, the “step-kids vs. bio kids” issue is something that’s always simmering away on the back burner. It comes up in day-to-day life, to some degree, all the time. A few weeks ago, a single mom friend of mine blogged post about her top five tidbits of single-parenting advice, and her post got me thinking about the subject some more. I was nodding along, agreeing with everything she wrote, until I read this:
4. Realize that no partner you’ll ever meet will ever love your child like the father of your child.
My first thought: Well, their bio mom and I are two pretty different people, of course we love them in different ways.
My second thought: Hmmm… I’m both a bio mom and a step mom; are those two different types of love?
My third thought: Has my relationship with my step kids changed now that my youngest two are here?
Just gotta try this Creamy Avocado Dip recipe via Momables.com - love how you can spread it on a sandwich in lieu of Mayo! 
Comment by Anne on Dec 12 2009 04:56:04:
I’m a step-parent.. of sorts. My long-term boyfriend has a daughter and we all live together, so I consider myself a step-parent (esp since her mom isn’t in the picture).
I worry about this a lot… I’ve decided I want more kids and my bf is with me there (but in a few years… once I’m out of college and have had a chance at a career) and I worry that once I have my ‘own’ kids, I won’t love her as much.
It’s good to hear, what you wrote. Thanks
Comment by Frustrated on Dec 27 2009 08:40:48:
I am a step parent and a first time bio parent.
I would say no, so that I don’t seem like a horrible person, but I would be lying. While before I gave birth, I absolutely adored my step son…
Once I gave birth, my husband began completely ignoring me and he still acts as if he doesn’t have another child. When I bring this up to him, he says that he does that because he doesn’t want his first son feeling left out.
Good job. Lets teach him to disregard his new brother, and completely disrespect his step mom. I appreciate it.
Because he will not do anything to change the behavior he exhibits even after I have let him know it is destructive and hurtful, I have to be honest and say that I am now seeing myself look at my toddler step son with resentment.
Comment by Anonymus on Jun 21 2010 04:22:27:
I may be able to hold a grudge, but never as much as my own stepmother.
She’s always pushed for her own children once she met dad, and 6months into the relationship she was already pregnant and planning on keeping it (despite rocks in the relationship at the current time). I was given my basic needs (food, shelter etc.) but I was never cuddled or never played with by her, depsite all my best efforts.
Now at 17yrs I can still see the massive difference between the insight she gives me and her two biological sons. I don’t hold my dad against it, he love sher and I can’t change that. I’m trying to keep my own relationship with my stepmother as smooth as possible but, when I turn 18 (the australian age of becoming an adult) She’ll be just as alienated as she made me.
I’m sorry, but its because of her that step parents forever have a really, really dark reputation.
Comment by Kevin on Jul 09 2011 09:14:15:
I spent most of my life as an American trying to figure out American society. So I decided to not only think out of the box. But I got the hell out of the box all together. Love has been so taken out of the equation like a disposable lighter, that it is sickening. Personally, I have a daughter of my own & have had the privilege to meet another woman that has four girls of her own. Whether the children you choose to parent are your biological or non biological kids, one thing is for certain. They all require Love & guidance. Children are not stupid & will recognize whether favoritism is being played. I also would like to mention that I decided to go to a foreign country due to the fact that family is the #1 priority & not competing careers that totally deny any children from the proper parenting direct from the parents themselves & not some young teenage babysitter that has not even mentally developed themselves, let alone bringing up your children with their viewpoints & not yours. As far as being a partner with the woman that I have now chose to be with along with her 4 daughters, I find it hard to swallow to hear someone say that I could not Love these step daughters more than their own father. We are talking about a man that has abandoned, abused (mentally & physically), and has showed no remorse & concern about his children. These children are just dying to have the presence of a father figure & has shown me that they love me for the love, time & the effort that I have shown them. But I as well, adore these wonderful kids & feel so lucky that I have been given the opportunity to be part of a well rounded & grounded family that they have become. So please don’t feed your audience with the notion that love can not be obtained for non biological children as equal as the biological children. In a family setting, the children should be treated equally in a loving way. Just imagine, in GOD’s eyes. we are all his children. I don’t think he picks & chooses who he loves, but loves all equally. We are talking about defenseless children that rely on us so called adults for our unconditional love, whether they carry are DNA or not. Here is one definition of LOVE: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. That was taken from the dictionary. By the way, I was a victim of a step father parenting me. I learned a valuable lesson. Not to be anything like him & to love my step children unconditionally because I was never given the opportunity. Just remember one thing, we are talking about young minds that you will curve by the choices you make & the things your children will see.
Parenting vs. Step parenting? A child does not see this. A child only wants love & your undivided attention & to know that they are wanted & accepted. That’s all. As adults, we should not even make this an issue. Love all, unconditionally!