Guilty As Charged
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By Contributing Editor Jenny Isenman
I went out shopping with my mom the other day and I felt guilty, not because I was breaking my necessary self-imposed shopping ban, but because I had left my kids. I had left them not with a babysitter, but with my husband. They were not doing child labor; they were simply going to a movie.
I couldn’t pinpoint the cause of the feeling I was having. Maybe it was guilt brought on by the fear of sending them off alone with their dad. Would something happen without my guidance? He had never taken both kids to a movie, so the neurotic mom in me reiterated that popcorn is a choking hazard, and they should eat it one kernel at a time. I added, “Don’t let them go to the bathroom alone.” You never know who’s lurking in the stalls.
Maybe the guilt was over the fact that it was Sunday and I don’t get as much time during the week with my kids, considering they have no break between school and camp. Maybe I simply felt guilty about missing all the fun the “UP 3-D” experience had to offer: The sticky floors crackling beneath my feet. My daughter complaining that the 3-D glasses hurt her face and that watching without them hurt her eyes. One or both of them inevitably spilling something gooey or fluorescent blue on me. I know you’re thinking, stop romanticizing it.
The irony was that I had chosen to do something with my own mother instead. Should that not be of some value, spending time with her? Do I not have some obligation to spend time with my own mom even though I can wipe myself? Does my husband having a day with the kids not fulfill some need they may have for alone time with him?
I remember a therapist, who also happens to be my Step Mother, telling me a story once. She said, “There was once a mom who had one egg and three children to feed. Do you know what she did?”
“Split it 3 ways and feed her hungry children?”
“She went to her room, locked the door, and ate the egg.”
“Ugh, what a horrible story. The mom locked herself in with the egg? What did she do next, eat her children?”
“Jenny, what is the matter with you? The kids need the mom more than they need the egg. If she takes care of herself she can better take care of her children. She could have split that one egg three ways and then passed out and then what would they have?”
“Scrambled eggs?”
“You’re missing the point.”
Here of course is the point, which is easier to impart than to accept. Taking a break from being a mom doesn’t make you a bad mom. You are other things… a wife, a daughter, an (insert profession or hobby here,) you need to give yourself the freedom to be those things as well. Sometimes “selfishly” taking care of yourself makes you a happier person and therefore a better mom.
I know, the theory sounds so obvious, it need not be stated and yet I know only a handful of people so evolved as to live by it. I am working on becoming more evolved as we speak, I am ignoring my son, who is begging me to play Wii so, I can finish writing this bl…
About Jenny:
I am a neurotic mother of two amazing, wonderful, brilliant, perfect children which is saying a lot because I am a harsh critic and an uncompromising disciplinarian. You know, the kids have to sing for their supper kinda stuff… well, they at least have to ask… well, a grunt would be nice. Actually, they just sit and I make multiple meals until one is worthy of their sophisticated taste buds and doesn’t exacerbate their fear of burnt spots, crust, pizza bubbles, or food that touches other food. It is my job to keep them protected from the Florida sun, prehistoric insects, and plasticware with the number 3, 6, or 7 on the bottom. I have to expose them to just enough germs to build their immune system, while using little enough sanitizer to keep them healthy. I also have to remember to feed and water them daily.
A freelance writer for magazines such as InStyle and Mademoiselle, I also have a fabulously funny and relatable blog called suburbanjungle.net
What a great gift idea for a mom-to-be. Pregnancy Countdown Hand Painted Magnetic Chalkboard $28.00 
Comment by Brandy on Jun 13 2009 11:51:49:
Hello, I can totaly Agree with you on the ” Feeling guilty when you spend time away” feeling. The second thing I feel guilty about is spending money. Up untill our daughter was born in Jan of 08 I have been a working, contributing, partner in the home. Now that Im a stay at home mom to our 16 month old, I nolonger make what I consider to be my Own money. I have a wonderful hubby who takes excellent care of our daughter, and leaving her with him is no problem, however every single time I plan a shopping day, or a scrapbooking night, just before the time comes I second guess my self about going. Then after I have gone and on my way home, I think, darn I should have stayed home with her, spent time with her, and I should not have spent that 50 bucks on scrapbooking things, I try to push it out of my head, but im just not right for a few hours sometimes a day, of feeling guilty. Like you said its not that shes going to get hurt, or that we dont deserve time alone, its that we are mothers and we are programed to do what we do. My grandma has grown up in the days where woman stayed home and were home makers, so she does not understand my guilting feeling of spending my hubbys money on things that I want, but not need, not even a little. She once told me something that helps to ease my mind…you stay home all day with her, you take care of her during the day, motherhood is a full time job..you are contributing to your family in a huge way, you are shaping a life. If I was unable to stay home, hubby would have to pay daycare, and we would not know that she was truely safe. so the peice of mind that our little baby is safe at all times, is worth me not working. Everyone needs to go out with the girls, being mom is a 24-7 job. it does not end at five or begin at 7 like our hubbys. some of us even get to work till 5 and come home to our second job. I guess what im getting at in this too long of a commnet,,,is that you are not alone in your feelings of gult…I have them all the time,,,and I think its simpley because we are so programed to just accept that we will have a screeming, dirty, nagging child with us at all time, that when they are not with us, and we are not changing diapers, or cleaning up food off the floor, or dealing with temper tantrums, we are slacking on our jobs, but the real truth is that by law everyone must have a break everynow and then from thier job, no matter what it may be, and and outting with you mom, or a scrapbooking night once a month with some friends is that break for us. as far as the money issue, i still have a hard time accepting that im not contributing actualy cash vaule to our bills, its gotten much better as the days go by, but i still feel guilty when i buy something other than child things, and basic needs. So in my opinion most woman can atest to these feelings of neglect, and loss! great blog, glad im not the only one in the world that feels this way, im really not crazy,,thank you!
Comment by autumn on Jun 14 2009 07:20:58:
I feel guilty because I am a single teen mom and feel that I need to spend enough time with my son to make up for his dad not being there. My son is 7 months old and I go to the gym once a day and he goes to their daycare for an hour. Other than that I have only been out without him once since he has been born to see a movie. Even then I was freaking out.
Comment by Annie Duncan on Jun 15 2009 11:06:07:
I don’t feel guilty at all! I get (and deserve) at least 1 night with my girlfriends, and sometimes one night alone, every week and I enjoy every minute of it. I need time away to keep my sanity, and if I wasn’t sane I don’t think I would be a good mom. My husband takes our son golfing, as he will with our 2nd baby boy once he is old enough, among other things. They need time together. And if my husband gets “Me-time” often, then why shouldn’t I?
Comment by Candace on Jun 22 2009 10:35:53:
I used to feel guilty with my first child but now i don’t its ok for “me time” if you don’t have it you’ll go insane!!