Moms reveal what they felt most unprepared for during those first unforgettable
weeks with their babies.
"I did not expect that nursing wouldn't come naturally to everyone. My baby was
not a strong nurser. As a result I had low milk production and almost lost it."
- Jennifer Schab, mother of Olive, 6, and Lucy, 3, and an architect in Santa
Monica, Calif.
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Nothing can quite prepare you for your first weeks of parenthood. But the tips we offer here will make them go a lot more smoothly.
A wise grandmother once told her tired-of-being-big-and-pregnant granddaughter,
"Remember, babies are easier to take care of in there than out here." Grandma was
right. Being informed is helpful, but no matter how many baby books you've read
or how much time you've spent babysitting, there's nothing that can quite prepare
you for the first months of your newborn's life. After looking so forward to
bringing their new baby home, many new couples expect the transition to
parenthood to be a blissful, intimate period. Often, such expectations are
unrealistic.
"Women in America are under enormous pressure to be perfect mothers and make
perfect babies," says Diana Dell, M.D., an assistant professor in both the
department of psychiatry and the department of obstetrics and gynecology at Duke
University Medical Center in Durham, N.C., and author of Do I Want to Be a Mom?:
A Woman's Guide to the Decision of a Lifetime (McGraw-Hill, 2003). In other
cultures, Dell says, family members come to help the new mother, and stay for
months; there are even rituals surrounding the care of the new mother. "Here,
most women think they can do it all themselves," adds Dell. "It's not realistic."
Nor is it reasonable to expect your transition to mirror the grace and ease
depicted in TV shows, books, and the like. "A few years ago, a prenatal vitamin
label featured a woman in a white robe on a chaise lounge with a baby cuddled to
her breast and a toddler staring on longingly," recalls Dell. "All of them were
spotless! And showered! It's not always like that."
To make your transition as smooth as possible, Dell suggests that you spend as
much time planning your postpartum phase as you devote to your birth plan. To
that end, we talked with doctors and moms to get their strategies for an easy
adjustment during the first few weeks with your baby. Wise grandmas would prompt
you to heed the advice here. If you do, you may even find time to take a hot
bath.
Get Assistance
"Very rarely does a new mom know what she's getting into.
Ask for help." - Victoria Clayton, mother of 15-month-old Nicolas and co-author of
Fearless Pregnancy: Wisdom and Reassurance from a Doctor, a Midwife and a Mom
(Fair Winds Press, 2004)
Do you know who is going to help you when your baby comes home? "Women don't have
the perception that having help is important," explains Dell. It's not only
important, it's mandatory. "There's a whole cadre of folks who can help - family,
friends, church members, neighbors," Dell says. For the best results with
helpers, she advises, be specific about what you need. "Say, 'I need you to clean
up the bathroom and change the bedsheets.'"
Defining your wishes is equally important when it comes to getting help from your
partner. "Don't expect him to know how to help you. Work out something in
advance," offers Jenna Coito, mother of a 1 1/2-year-old girl and, very soon,
another daughter. "If you're the one who usually does the grocery shopping, for
instance, take him to the store before the baby is born, and show him things like
the kind of cottage cheese you buy - the brand, the size, the fat content,
everything."
In addition, be realistic about your partner, says Victoria Clayton, whose new
book, Fearless Pregnancy, contains a chapter called the "Postpartum Anti-Crash
Plan." If he doesn't do domestic chores now, he probably won't after the baby
comes, either. "Some guys come around, some don't," Clayton says. "If your guy
doesn't, accept who he is and figure out other ways to get help - hire a
babysitter, get a neighbor to walk your dog, ask a friend to bring over dinner."
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