Mom Talk: Should You Spank?
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By Lyz Lenz
I don’t tell my daughter “no.” And it’s not because I’m a lenient parent, which I probably am. It’s because at 9-months-old, she hardly moves. She sits very happily, chewing her stuffed octopus, or rolling around on the floor with her plastic snake. Except for a brief bout with hair-pulling, which we survived using redirection, she isn’t even that ornery. No food spitting, face hitting, or toy throwing.
Yet.
My husband and I read a lot of books about parenting and consequently, we think we know everything. It’s made us really annoying. Together we planned on using redirection discipline techniques, which basically amount to showing your kid a shiny toy every time they try to scratch the mole off your neck (okay, we have gone through that phase).
But, when you are elbows deep in a dirty diaper and your baby tries to roll away across grandma’s new carpet, holding up a shiny toy isn’t an option.
Over the holidays, there were lots of diapers changed on the floor and, each I laid her down and took off her diaper, my daughter laughed and tried to roll away. Each time, I used my free hand to hold her down and say “NO!” in my firmest, meanest voice. But without fail, she laughed right in my face.
Even though she’s only 9-months-old, I’m sure she’s not being mean. I didn’t arrive at this conclusion because I’m a crazy doting mom, but because my daughter isn’t strong-willed at all. I think my daughter honestly believes this whole “No” thing is one big awesome game. Too bad grandma’s carpet doesn’t feel the same way.
And this is where my book learning is starting to break down. Both my husband and I repeat the same pattern—when our daughter wiggles during diaper time, we hold her still, say “no” firmly, and repeat as necessary. So far, we’ve had limited success. Friends have advised that now is time to start using some corporeal punishment, such as a small hand smack. The most recent polling information shows that over half of all parents spank their children and one in five parents admit to spanking their child “with a belt, a hairbrush, a stick, or some other hard object.”
Although, I believe firm rules are necessary to raising a kid who doesn’t suck, I’m completely too chicken to start spanking my baby. Fortunately, my husband agrees, although he argues she’s not ready and if she were, this would not be the time to bring out the spanking.
But friends have accused us of “coddling” our child or, worse, “spoiling” her. While I don’t parent by democracy, part of me is afraid they’re right. After all, I was raised with my parents spanking spoon—emblazoned with the proverb, “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”— hanging on our kitchen wall. Just the sight of that thing was enough to scare me into not smashing Play-Doh into my sister’s hair. I’d like to think that if more parents took firmer approaches to discipline the word “sexting” wouldn’t exist. But smacking the bum or hand of a happy nine-month-old just seems egregious.
What do you think? When is it (if ever) okay to start spanking?
About the Author:
Lyz Lenz is a writer, a mom and a midwesterner. Although, not in that order. She lives in Iowa and on the web at LyzLenz.com
What a great gift idea for a mom-to-be. Pregnancy Countdown Hand Painted Magnetic Chalkboard $28.00 
Comment by Melissa on Jan 02 2012 12:02:39:
She’s only 9 months old, I don’t think spanking is necessary at that age. We did do a quick (and not hard) hand smack when my daughter was 12 months and purposely (and gleefully) throwing food after being told no. Now at age 2 she has gotten an occasional smack on the behind when she’s doing dangerous things or really naughty and not listening to the “no”s or time-outs aren’t appropriate, but it’s never enough to actually hurt her, just enough to make her a little embarrassed. Usually just the threat of a spanking works well enough!
Comment by Ebony on Jan 02 2012 12:56:22:
I think 9 months old is too young for spankings. I don’t think they grasp the cause and effect rules yet. At that age they are just testing boundaries and redirection is fine. However by around age two they have an idea of right and wrong/ good and dad and after telling them no a few times (to the same thing) they might require a light pop on the hand. The key is being consistent. If something is off limits it has to be off limits all the time not just when it’s convent for mom or dad. Spanking is ok for older children, pops for toddlers as long as you don’t go overboard. It will have the opposite effect (if I’m going to get a spanking for every little thing I do why not do whatever I want). Mom of 3 kids – 13, 3, & 2
Comment by Shae J. on Jan 02 2012 01:03:54:
I don’t think spanking is EVER okay– there are so many ways to discipline that don’t involve hitting your child. Read books on alternative ways to discipline and you will find that they are much more effective and much more appropriate. Many times the parent is spanking out of their own anger– which is never okay! It just appalls me that parents try to justify the spanking saying it is teaching them a lesson. How do you know for sure that it is not teaching your child to hit or lead to other aggressive behaviors? It is a discipline “technique” of the past. It is being realized in many studies that spanking does affect the child and could possibly lead to them being more aggressive as they grow older.
Comment by Liz on Jan 02 2012 01:53:54:
I agree, 9 months old is too young to start spanking. At 2 when they’re testing limits or exploring dangerous things I think is fine to give them a little pop on the bottom and explain to them that their actions were inappropriate or dangerous. They do understand. As for your baby rolling around on the floor during diaper changes, I would put my leg over my kids when they did that. They would lay under my knee so they couldn’t roll and I still had two hands free to take care of business. I had a friend who laughed at me for doing it but when she had a baby she also did my little leg trick.
Comment by Deborah on Jan 02 2012 01:54:56:
9 months is too young to spank but I completly agree with spanking your child when need be. I believe if more parents did this, the number of underage drinking & drug use would be less. Ever since it was seen as child abuse children now-a-days are wild & disrespectful. I was spanked as a child & yes my father did do it sometimes out of his anger but I am not an aggressive person. Some parents do abuse it & push the line but a quick swat to the butt & a raised voice can go along way.
Comment by Rachel G. on Jan 02 2012 03:13:04:
My little one didn’t start walking until 14months, that’s when I started with the “No . We also started with timeouts and spanking.
Comment by Candace Kehl Ruffin on Jan 02 2012 08:32:59:
9 months old is way to young to be spanking a child. What you are doing by redirecting is appropriate for her age. Ignore the critics… Everyone who has had children before you may feel the need to share their "right way" but you have to develop your own discipline style with your husband. A previous commentor was correct about your child's cognitive abilities at this age… Until 2 years old not being able to grasp the cause and effect. As for the "never spank" commentor….society listening to post modern psychology has created this world we live in today of children not knowing their role and children being entitled to demand and expect things of their parents/teachers/grandparents, etc. As well all the enabling of children has created disrespectful, egotistical age of disregard for rules and authority! I'm in no way saying beat your child… Set limits and boundaries right away and mean what you say and follow through with consequences every time and your child will learn what will happen if he/she makes an undesireable choice. Consequences do not to be spanking per say… But they need to be meaningful for that child. When parents weren't afraid to spank their children children were more respectful…… Ask your child's grandparent!
Comment by Candace Kehl Ruffin on Jan 02 2012 08:38:17:
Oh…. Check out http://www.rosemond.com.
He talks about disciplining before age 2… Cognitive ability etc.
Comment by Wynta Nivens on Jan 02 2012 11:35:57:
Aviv is a rambunctious 6 month old. Yes, he too laughs when I sternly say, "No". I have been told that I am ruining him and his sisters (12 & 5) because I allow them to voice their opinions. I used to spank my oldest, but we found it to be largely useless. I want my children to be well rounded adults, living to learn–not living in fear.
Comment by Katie Slice Goodnough on Jan 03 2012 02:37:21:
I don't think I will spank when he is 9months that seems young. And I think every parent has to find what works! I learned from my nieces & nephews alot depends on thechild. Some responded to a stern voice, some with timeout & others with spanking. As long as you're consistant it works.
Comment by Molly on Jan 02 2012 11:37:16:
I completely agree with Shae. What is wrong with you people????
Hitting is never ok. Ever. Never ever! Has anyone seen any episode of Super Nanny? Just follow her rules. Timeouts are the way to go. CONTROL YOURSELF AND BREATHE!!!
Remember that they are children. They don’t ever deserve to be hit to “hurt” to teach a lesson” or to “embarrass” them. You should be embarrassed for hitting your own flesh and blood. This article is ridiculous. Utterly nuts, and these ‘parent’ replies are beyond disappointing
Mom to 3 year old son and 14 month old daughter
both of which have NEVER even been tapped
You should be ashamed of yourselves
Comment by Nanette Lederman-Glass on Jan 03 2012 02:15:22:
Honestly, we spanked our daughter at 9 months. We said Lilly don't touch that and she sat there testing us. Looking at us n put her hand near whatever it was she wasn't allowed to touch. She knew what she was doing. She got a light smack on her hand. She didn't even cry. But she didn't touch it again. She spank our daughter. She is now 2 and a awesome kid! We use timeouts and spanking. My son is 6 months old now and he is a bit more sissy as my husband says. I have a.feeling he will b a more timeout boy. My daughter is a tomboy and timeouts don't always work for her. She's rough n tumble. My son is a mamas boy! To each their own!
Comment by Alex on Jan 03 2012 09:52:21:
I have an 8 month old daughter so I know where you’re coming from books are good for learning how you ideally want to parent, but real life always throws curve bawls like pp I agree that 9 months is young to swat for moving while your changing diapers. If it was something that would harm someone then maybe a little swat. Right now I’m debating whether or not to flick my baby’s chin when she bites while nursing. Nothing else has worked and she’s been doing it for 2 months now. Also when you say “no” all the time it loses it’s meaning. Try saying “no rolling” or “stay still”. My mom always told me to say “walk” not “don’t run” because kids comprehend it better. Hope this helps
Comment by Erin on Jan 03 2012 10:19:44:
Hitting a baby!?! I am all for smacking a hand of a child trying to stick a knife in an outlet or pushing a lamp of a table….that is when they are big enough to grab said knife off table or reach the lamp, let along walk around! This is probably around 1. A nine month old doesn’t understand time outs or why it is getting hurt? Most things are a game and everything is new! If he or she doesn’t want to lay still, they don’t understand why they have to…then you yell and it’s fun. Don’t have kids if you are to dumb to realize this is a part of it and not ready to deal with it. Sometimes an older child needs to sit and think but try putting a 9 month old in time out good luck. I worked at a daycare for 5 years a kids would sit in time out at least once a day everyday and the behavior never changed…A school aged child that speaking to a time or 2 and a time out has not worked on I think should get a swift spanking. With a hand on the butt. I don’t believe in fitting in the face or with any objects or where there is any more then a red mark left. If you bruise your child or draw blood you need to think about your parenting abilities and probably should not have children!
Comment by Karen on Jan 03 2012 11:58:40:
Why are articles like this written by a mom of a 9 month old? She hasn’t even begun to understand what disciplining children is going to be like (unless she’s not telling us about the 10 year old she has). She has no authority to speak on the subject just because she read a bunch of books. There’s no experience to back up these articles. I’ve noticed this a lot on this site….
Disciplining a 9 month old? That is way too early. To do that is to think the child has intention behind their behaviors. And spanking a child that small shouldn’t even be a consideration. I have an 18-month old and only now is discipline coming into play, and it is certainly not in the form of spanking. I may feel differently when she is four or five, but spanking a baby or toddler just doesn’t seem like an appropriate thing to do.
Comment by Mary on Jan 03 2012 03:52:11:
Karen: It’s obvious that the author of the article is speaking from her point of view of mothering a 9 month old. She’s not telling us how to discipline your 18-month-old…she’s prompting a discussion.
On that note, I have a 2-month-old, so I’m curious how I’m going to feel when she’s older. As of now I can’t see myself spanking, as I was not spanked and don’t really agree with violence as a discipline tactic, no matter how “light” it might be.
Comment by Kyna Harris Gage on Jan 04 2012 01:27:21:
Look. I have a 12 year old and a 11 month old I got my but whipped as a child. My son is a great kid. I started spanking early he does not get spankings now, but he does not really need them.
With my Vony 11months, when she starteD crawling I would pop her hand. when she started walking I pop her hand or her little thigh. I dot use anything but my hand. You need to tell your children no and yes say if firmly. at 11 months she knows what no means. sometimes she listens and sometimes she lies to test me. My husband is the softy this is his baby girl. When he tell her no she may giggle or even look at him like what ever. I talk to her and even though she may not understand me I explain to her why mommy popped her. I firmly believe in spanking as long as you are not beating your child.
Comment by Sandra Lozes on Jan 04 2012 01:33:48:
At 9 months old, your child has no concept she is misbehaving, and I believe any behavior a child exhibits at such a young age is never with intentions other than curiosity and play. They are learning and exploring new things that we can hardly imagine…but I would compare it to waking up and finding yourself on a different planet, where everything is novel and you have no idea what is considered proper behavior…you are just in awe of all the new and unfamiliar sensations, from sight to sound, touch, textures…imagine never eating solid foods or never experiencing a bowel movement…that’s your baby! And, while I do remember those many many diaper changes, and that tendency for my daughter to begin the rolling away, wiggle game…that’s all it was to her, a game.
I know I don’t want my child (who is now a precocious 3 1/2 year old) to think hitting is okay. Whether it is a pop, slap, or what have you, I don’t choose this to discipline my child.
Instead, I have tried to explain why X behavior is not okay, and she MUST listen when I tell her what is okay and not okay to do. She KNOWS she must hold my hand when we are walking across the street, she KNOWS she is not allowed to go out the front door for any reason without me, because I have explained why. When I talk with her, and explain why, she gets it.
I suppose I could have instead yanked her before she began walking across our parking lot and spanked her hand because the idea of her being hit by a car is such a horrific idea, my reaction would seem acceptable. But I believe what I would teach her first is fear, which would be secondary to why it is absolutely necessary to never do it, ever. It has been studied that fear trumps memory, so that would be what she remembers…the fear of me, not the fear of crossing a parking lot and being hit by a car that did not see her.
My parents (Mom) spanked me growing up, and I do not believe she is a bad Mom for it. It was her choice, and I grew up in a home with parents who loved me and cared for me every day. However, for all the times I knew I was going to be spanked, from the time I was told until the time it occurred, that was the only thing on my mind. I have no memories of what I did wrong, because the fear is all I remember. There was one occasion I do remember why, but it was because I called my mom a bad word, and I had never done that before, so I already felt terrible for it…the spanking was not as bad as how awful I felt about calling my mom a bad word, and the fact she heard me HURT more.
So, to sum it up. Our children as babies and toddlers must be protected and when they are old enough to know what is acceptable and not, there are ways to teach them without physically hurting or scaring them. I have had days where I am at my wits end, but usually when my child misbehaves (usually) it is because she needs a nap, and/or she is frustrated and does not know how to express it in a way we do as adults…and I know a few adults who act like toddlers themselves when they are frustrated, tired, etc…
But, each child is unique and will respond to different approaches. They all need consistency and boundaries, but also the opportunities to explore and learn. My daughter is strong willed, but she is also kindhearted and not afraid to try new things, meet new children and be honest with us, and others. That is important to me. She has on occasion done something I don’t allow, and on her own accord confessed…I would have had no idea she did it, and she knew I would not be happy with her actions, but knows she does not ever have to be afraid to tell me because I am going to spank her. And, that ends the behavior…so I know she isn’t playing a game.
It’s hard. Children are smart, and they will test limits. My husband and I have had to promise not to give in, to always support the decisions made by myself or him. She went through a stage when I would tell her no, she would say she was going to ask her Daddy then. Go right ahead, but I guarantee he will tell you the same thing. Once we held firm, that too was short lived.
As parents, it is great to have a place to share experiences and opinions. Let’s not judge each other, but keep our ears and hearts opened. We are all on this amazing journey together, and so much can be learned if we remember we are all human and trying our best. This is the most important, greatest job we will have in our lifetimes, raising healthy, happy, well adjusted children who will be prepared ultimately to be independent, confident young adults ready to tackle the world on their own. And that is the ideal. We have to be prepared for whatever comes our way, and be mindful in how to handle it.
I know I am blessed to have friends and family that were parents before I was, and I was able to take the good and the mistakes made in retrospect, and I know because of them we had saved ourselves from stresses, because the experience of others is like gold. No instructions come with parenthood…thanks for sharing and allowing me to do the same.
Comment by Sandra Lozes on Jan 04 2012 01:45:47:
Oh, and babies and toddlers are the only people who are allowed to behave as divas! Because they can not do for themselves. Spoiling a baby or toddler is not possible.
I love the books by Brazelton…and have referred back often. With our daughter, his theory and practice has been well aligned with her development, alleviated our worries when she would seem to regress, and is in line with how we choose to raise our child.
http://www.touchpointsbook.com/
Comment by Jennifer on Jan 04 2012 01:47:46:
I have a 7mth old and I could never spank her! I dont believe in spanking a child or infant, infact, I think you need your head checked if you spank an infant. Lets think about this logically, you spank your child for hitting….hmmmm whats wrong with this picture? You are saying “you cant hit but I can” thats moronic. I think spanking is for lazy parents. discipline with love not anger!
Comment by stay at home papa on Jan 24 2012 08:25:06:
I’m a stay at home dad. You have to do wants right for your family. The bibical reference of spare the rod spoil the chiild is in the old testement.What did Jesus say about the chid and the millstone. The Methodist church doesn’t condone spanking. Look it up under the church rules. Also look in The center for effictive displine website. It baned in about 23 countries. Teach to what you want your child to be when they are fifty. If you use no to much it becomes routine and it won’t work when you really need it. If you start young train them you will have less problems when the older. But you have to stay the course and do not waver from it.
Comment by Den Gogh on Jan 31 2012 02:22:24:
It is never a good time to start spanking a child. The child will more likely remember the pain, the hurt, and begin to develop resentment than to understand the lesson behind the spank. It is never okay to hit an adult, why should it be okay to hit a child?
Comment by Lisa Sunbury on Jan 31 2012 06:07:10:
It's never a good time to begin spanking a child, especially not a small baby. It instills fear, and while it may stop the unwanted behavior in the short term, it doesn't work in the long run, and does nothing to teach a child about what to do instead, which is what discipline is supposed to be about.Babies aren't being bad or "misbehaving," when they don't do what we expect- they don't know any better. It's up to adults to patiently guide their behavior. It can be hard to know how to discipline a baby, but there are ways to do so kindly and gently, yet firmly and effectively. See Janet Lansbury's post Baby Discipline Person to Person for some good ideas, that don't involve hitting, shaming, yelling, etc. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/01/baby-discipline-person-to-person/ Even babies who are only 9 months old can understand and co-operate with simple boundaries and requests when we take the time and care to treat them like the intelligent human beings they are, instead of assuming they won't understand, and need to be hit (or held down and talked to in a firm, mean voice) in order to stop their behavior.
Comment by Lisa Sunbury on Jan 31 2012 06:17:52:
It's never a good time to begin spanking a child, especially not a small baby. It instills fear, and while it may stop the unwanted behavior in the short term, it doesn't work in the long run, and does nothing to teach a child about what to do instead, which is what discipline is supposed to be about. Babies aren't being bad or "misbehaving," when they don't do what we expect- they don't know any better. It's up to adults to patiently guide their behavior. It can be hard to know how to discipline a baby, but there are ways to do so kindly and gently, yet firmly and effectively. See Janet Lansbury's post Baby Discipline Person to Person for some good ideas, that don't involve hitting, shaming, yelling, etc. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/01/baby-discipline-person-to-person/
Even babies who are only 9 months old can understand and co-operate with simple boundaries and requests when we take the time and care to treat them like the intelligent human beings they are, instead of assuming they won't understand, and need to be hit (or held down and talked to in a firm, mean voice) in order to stop unwanted behavior.