Mom Talk: How Mom’s Make Friends
Facebook 
Get Our Newsletter! 
Print
By Lyz Lenz
Right after we were married, my husband and I moved to a new town and were automatically faced with the challenge of finding new friends—friends we both liked—and that wasn’t easy. If I met a woman who seemed fun, it turned out her husband was a drag. And the reverse happened too. My husband would meet someone at work and we’d set up a couple date, only to realize that the spouse didn’t like us. The struggle to find new couple friends felt like a cruel dating game for Siamese twins.
Often, my husband and I found ourselves on a drive home analyzing how things went: “Is he a racist?” “She seemed uptight or was that just nerves?” “Is it normal for people to fight so much at a Chili’s?”
Eventually, we found friends and made a long-term commitment. But now we have a child and we’ve been thrust into a new phase of life and the new friendships that come with it. And honestly, kids are ruining everything.
I don’t believe that mom’s can’t be friends with non-moms. In fact, my non-mom friends are often more understanding with my new-found flakiness, exhaustion and endless emails that read: “OMG here is what my baby did today!” Bless them. I find that despite our differences, my non-married, childless friends are still close. I love hearing about life from their perspective and frankly, it gives me a chance to talk about something besides precisely what happens in a diaper when all you give your kid for dinner is black beans.
Actually, the problem with making friends while you have kids is the other kids.
Recently, I met a woman who has a daughter only a month older than my own. When we met, she and I laughed about hair bows and crazy, stupid girl outfits and set up a playdate. When the day for the playdate arrived, my daughter and I put on our fanciest hair bows and hit the down. We were dressed to impress. But before we had been five minutes in their house, the new baby (who can walk) had already hit my daughter, kicked and scratched her. I picked my daughter up and held her, but even then the other baby came over and tried to grab toys out of my child’s hands.
To be fair, my daughter is only nine-months old, so she is just beginning to really interact with other kids. I also understand that babies are kind of mean to each other—they are babies, they have poor social and motor skills. But what really irks me is that this friend made no attempt to intervene when her daughter was tipping mine over.
Friendship over.
I’m sure her child is not horrible and maybe, just maybe, was having a bad day. Lord knows, we’ve all been there. But even when my daughter is sick and screaming “no, no, no”, I still intervene when she tries to slap my face. But it will be okay. We have a playdate with a new mom and baby and this baby can’t crawl yet.
Moms, what do you think? Would you refuse to be friends with someone because their baby was mean?
About the Author:
Lyz Lenz is a writer, a mom and a midwesterner. Although, not in that order. She lives in Iowa and on the web at LyzLenz.com
Staying Connected to Friends Without Kids..here's how to keep those post-baby bonds 
Comment by Ian on Dec 26 2011 10:26:41:
As a stay-at-home dad, it’s interesting to me that an article on how “playdate moms” seem to shun the idea of stay-at-home dads hasn’t been delved into. I take my son to all the parks, even try to participate in playdates. However, moms at the playground don’t seem to welcome the idea of conversation with any dads with their kids. I’ve talked with other dads and learned it’s not just me. I’d be interested in any research/ articles you have on support for stay-at-home dads!
Comment by Casey Dean on Dec 27 2011 03:25:51:
Wow, you flipped out because a ten month old scratched your nine month old and the mom didn't do anything? And, you really think babies have all this intention when they do stuff like that? You are doomed in the making mom friends department. Actually, moms like this drive me nuts. Part of normal baby interaction involves hitting or pushing. For a ten month old, discipline is not in order. For a toddler, yes mom should step in. But overreacting doesn't serve any good purpose.
My problem with making mom friends has to do with me not caring about popular entertainment news. I just don't have anything to ad to a conversation about what celebrity divorced who. I find a lot of stay at home moms around me are really into shallow interests. So, I get my socializing in with my single, musician friends who I have stuff in common with and my sister-in-law who has kids, but actually has some depth to her. My daughter just plays with kids at Gymboree or the playground. Oh well.
Comment by Chaton’s on Dec 27 2011 01:02:04:
I understand perfectly. In September my friend’s son bit my daughter on her lip. Blood gushed everywhere. i took her to the ED. She needed antibiotics. It took awhile for me to be able to speak to my friend.
My daughter was just shy of a year at the time. Her son is three weeks younger than my daughter. He didn’t know what he was doing, but I was disappointed by my friend’s reaction. It’s tough. Trust your instincts.
Comment by Tracie Szarek Hjelmberg on Dec 27 2011 07:40:57:
No need to flip out but the other mom needs to let the child know that hitting, etc is not acceptable. The earlier you start with the child, the better. If you let that child do it all the time then one day stop him/her, it will be more confusing to the child.
Comment by Michalina on Dec 29 2011 01:50:21:
I feel the same way. Why hang out with someone who is mean to you? We don’t hang out with people who are mean to us, why should we expect our children to do any different? If the mom had intervened that would be another thing b/c toddlers are learning to interact. But by not addressing the behavior, the other mom was condoning it, sending the message to her child that hitting, biting and general meanness is okay.