Sleepless Nights
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From the featured blog, Leigh vs. Laundry
In my head, I am a “Marsupial Mom”. I might be kindred to a Koala in that if I came equipped with a pouch, I would want my baby nestled in there all of the time. If my 5 year old could fit in my pouch, he would be in there too. All three of us would curl into each other, chew on Eucalyptus, and sleep peacefully all night long. Unfortunately, I don’t have a pouch and I am not a Marsupial. No, I’m a human and as sleepless nights have unfolded before me, I have learned just how human I really am.
I should tell you that bed-sharing feels right to me. My 5 year old has not slept an entire night in his own bed since I accidentally fell asleep while nursing him in bed at 8 months old. He went on a crib strike. Being the exhausted push over that I am, he secured his place in mommy and daddy’s bed forever, still crawling into our King Sized bed at some point during the night. It’s a perfect fit as he snuggles in and everyone sleeps a dream filled night.
After the birth of my second son, we put a twin bed in the nursery and I slept in the room with him. My husband slept soundly at the other end of our long Ranch style home with our 5 year old. We would smooch goodnight and jokingly say “See ya in 18 years!” as we each nestled into bed with a child at opposite ends of the house. It was a huge sacrifice that allowed us to all get the sleep that we needed. Between the baby waking up to nurse and my husband’s alarm blaring at 6 am, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
I had so many sweet nights with my baby. All alone in the nursery at 4 am, cooing at one another and bonding. My cuddling tendencies served me well as some nights, I would pull my fussy baby into bed with me (taking all of the SIDS precautions, of course). Remembering how sweet it was to wake up with a baby’s nose on my neck, I just knew that bed-sharing would help us sleep soundly. It did not work out that way at all. We would wake each other up throughout the night and he would get frustrated that I was in his sleeping space. He was so different from my first son. Then it occurred to me that my youngest baby was not Koala-like at all. If I did have a pouch, he would not want to sleep curled up inside it. No, he was a baby that needed his own space. I realized pretty quickly that being a good mom means doing what is best for your child and your family. Although, I wanted to have delicious nights of snuggling, I had to let those expectations go. What may work perfectly for one child may be a nightmare for another.
In the end, after I had spent many early mornings swooping him up from the crib at his first whimper and lavishing him with as much rocking as possible, it dawned on me that I was doing him a disservice. That method was actually keeping him awake. I decided to do something really crazy and abandon my bed-sharing ways. I would try to put him down awake and let him fuss until he fell asleep. Then, I got even crazier and moved out of his room to a room across the hall and let him have his own sleeping space. He is now sleeping soundly for the first time in his life with only one feeding in the middle of the night. After he nurses, I set him back in the crib awake and he settles down back to sleep on his own. It’s an amazing concept to me.
There is no right way or wrong way to handle sleepless nights. Bed-sharing may be a great solution for all of the Koala-like babies out there and all the Mama’s that have pretend pouches to fill. However, it’s not so great for all of the very human-like babies that can sleep just fine on their own, thank you very much. It’s all about trusting your own intuition, reading your baby, and trying different methods until you find the one that fits. I’m so glad that I was open to trying something different with my youngest son, because that was just what he needed. Who knows…maybe soon, I’ll be co-sleeping with my husband again!
Staying Connected to Friends Without Kids..here's how to keep those post-baby bonds 
Comment by Kristin on Feb 23 2010 11:48:26:
I hate to be negative but I am really tired of hearing stories of people “trying” co sleeping and giving themselves (and others) permission to stop becuase it was hard. Its everyone’s decision how they want to raise and sleep with their children but cosleeping is already considered the “abnormal” and cribs are the “normal” in the US. We need articles praising people for co-sleeping and doing what we can to prevent sids (Which is lowest in co-sleeping families). It just makes me sad to say how co-sleeping happened one night at 8 months – that means for 8 months that child was alone and scared, wanting his or her mama.
Apparently its OK to co-sleep when it is an accident and not intentional. I think we all need to re-think how people view co-sleeping because I am almost 35 years old and I STILL dont like to sleep by myself so I certainly do not want to force my 2 year old to sleep by herself!
Comment by Michelle on Feb 23 2010 11:58:28:
Amen! It is so true. What works for one baby and mommy may not work for the next. Learning to Trust your initution is so important.
Comment by burntsienna on Feb 24 2010 12:07:19:
I think Kristin’s comment is right on. I get the feeling New Parent must have a lot of crib manufacturers advertising for them because I’ve seen lots of anti-co sleeping propaganda on this website. If this mother really felt like she wanted nothing more than to curl up with her babies each night, she wouldn’t be so ashamed of her co-sleeping habits. Really, this was a round about way of saying people should use a crib because babies want to have independence and space.
Comment by Erin on Feb 24 2010 12:20:48:
I don’t think this article was saying yea or nay to co-sleeping,just the opposite. It’s saying, “Watch and listen to your child’s particular needs.” And as for a co-sleeping prejudice out there…if you encounter too often I’d suggest finding a new circle to hang around in. Among the mommies I know…it is a choice just like any other. I don’t think my way is better than another, and I don’t feel judged for my choices. The point of this article is that sometimes different children have different needs, and it’s surprising. So don’t be so sensitive co-sleeping mommies, no one’s going to pass a law saying you can’t co-sleep. Families have been co-sleeping from the beginning of time, and no one had an issue with it until it got a special title and someone went on a campaign about it. Just do what you’re going to do and like the article says…watch out for your child’s particular needs.
Comment by Leigh on Feb 24 2010 12:35:30:
Okay ladies…it’s Leigh here. I love Co-sleeping and enjoyed co-sleeping with my first son. If I wasn’t on patrol for my new baby, I’d still be in bed with him. Until the 8th month of his life , he spent the majority of his nights cradled in my arms sleeping in the rocker not afraid and alone in his crib. I never even once tried to cry it out with him or leave him afraid because I listened to his cues. I was overjoyed to end up co-sleeping with him and really wanted to co-sleep with my second. I’ve never felt ashamed or the need to justify or change my co-sleeping ways.
The point of the article was to share MY experience with co-sleeping. That it depends on the child-NOT THE MOTHER! I wanted to let moms know that they can trust themselves to make the right decision and trust their baby to let them know what they need.
Comment by carol on Feb 24 2010 01:06:15:
thank you for responding to those comments, Leigh. i feel like people read into what is written, their own opinion, bias, insecurity. i want to reiterate what you said:”listen to your baby! know your children! mother them in a personal way for each child as long as it’s not going into the moral realm. it’s a preference of each child and the privilege of each parent.”
Comment by Daffy on Feb 24 2010 02:14:05:
Beautifully written from the heart! I am jealous of those for whom co-sleeping works. I wanted so very much to snuggle with my babe. She is as independant today as she was in the womb. Always with her own schedule and calling the shots. I didn’t feel the cry it out method worked for me so I was and still am when need be, a rockin’ momma.
After reading the comments thus far, I don’t see where the article casts co-sleeping or crib sleeping in a negative light. I read about the suprise and joy of one mother’s journey as she discovers the differences in her two children and embraces and respects their needs accordingly.
If you are doing what you feel is best for you and your child I see no need to feel defensive. As is evident in the article what works for one mother/child may not work for another.
Comment by Mandy on Feb 24 2010 03:53:58:
Leigh, this was a great article and you point out so honestly that babies have differing needs that their mama’s need to be unselfish enough to listen to. I co-slept with my first for the first 7 months of her life and we too kept waking each other up all night. We moved her to her crib in our room around 8 months and my every rustle woke her. At 9 months she moved into her own room and for the first 2-3 weeks I slept on her floor(and we continued to disturb each other). Around 1″ months I let her be and she slept beautifully (no night wakings). I did continue to nurse her to sleep until she was 2years old but she slept better alone. My second is a completely different baby. He snuggles in to nurse and I only wake when he wants to change sides. He and I have been “sleeping through the night” from the get go because we are compatible sleepers. I try wish my first wanted to cosleep but even when we’ve tried it again she rustles and moves until she suggest her crib. The funny thing is she and her daddy alone would have been fine because they are compatible sleepers but I just don’t think my hubby is conscious enough when sleeping to have done that.
Comment by Crissy on Feb 24 2010 05:17:13:
Different things work for different moms (and babies.) It always amazes me to see folks immediately jump all over someone else’s personal experience.
I enjoyed the read and the honesty.
Comment by Renee on Feb 24 2010 07:58:19:
I think this is a wonderful piece. It’s so important for a parent to listen to their baby’s cues. So many times people just give up or try to mold their baby into their life. For my child, it’s her way or the highway (kind of), and even though my mother thinks my daughter’s got me trained, I think it’s more about working together to make a balanced and happy life. She’s only 8 months old! It’s not going to be like this forever.
Comment by Becky Richards on Feb 24 2010 02:02:13:
I think this was a wonderful article
I am a co-sleeping mama of an 18 month old and I love it! I constantly hear how wrong it is that I sleep with my son (from an older generation) but I could care less. This works for me and my family and my husband and I feel safe and secure knowing that our son is by our side. I could not imagine leaving an infant alone in a room by him/herself. My son is a well adjusted, sweet and loving little boy. he is always well behaved and I believe that this is due in part to co-sleeping and the trust he has developed from this. Everyone should do what is right for themselves and not judge.
Comment by Heather on Feb 24 2010 07:50:37:
This was a wonderful post. I do co-sleep with my 15 month old daughter. She refuses to sleep in her crib at night but she will nap there during the day, silly girl.
Comment by Caroline on Feb 25 2010 03:02:17:
Leigh, I thought this was an awesome article! I have co-slept with all three of my children but my youngest (just like your youngest) sleeps better in her crib at night and actually prefers that. I totally get your point of the article and think you are right on.
Being a connected parent means being able to listen and understand the different needs of each child. There is no rule book for parenting, just our intuition, and when we follow that and our hearts, all will be well!
Comment by Tracie on Feb 25 2010 11:49:11:
I remember the first time someone told me that she let her baby put himself to sleep. I stared at her through my bloodshot sleep deprived eyes and wondered why nobody told me you were allowed to do that.
Comment by Marie on Feb 26 2010 03:53:52:
It’s all about what’s right for each individual! Glad you didn’t torture yourself or that sweet baby with an ideal! We are all individuals.
Comment by Leanne on Feb 26 2010 04:38:10:
This is so beautiful!
Comment by Molly Burke, Queen of Confidence on Feb 26 2010 04:42:08:
Sleeping. I love sleeping. Stopped by from SITS to say hello and that I enjoy your writing voice!
Molly Burke CPCC MSU
Queen of Confidence
http://www.lifepurposeworks.com
“Everyone can use an extra boost of confidence every now and again.”
Comment by Therese on Feb 26 2010 06:03:21:
I loved your article. Those first few comments seemed a little defensive and I personally didn’t read any negativity into what you wrote. I am SO envious of mamas who get to sleep with their babes!! I didn’t have a sleeping plan before my daughter was born, I just decided to see how it went and what she best responded to. I snuggled up with her for the first 2-3 months and then she fussed… and fussed… and fussed. She seemed to be totally stimulated by being near and as sad as I was about, I tried putting her in her crib long before I was ready and what do you know? She slept MUCH better. She still woke frequently and went to her always, but she preferred to sleep in her own space. I was very glad to hear of another mamas similar story because I had some guilt about NOT co-sleeping as we had started out.
Your point is perfect. It isn’t about our own personal preferences, it is about doing what is best for babe and learning by following their cues.
THANKS for that!
Comment by Kelli @ 3 Boys and a Dog on Feb 26 2010 08:05:01:
Personally, I don’t understand co-sleeping. Why would you NOT want your child to learn independence? My own opinion.
My kids have slept in their own rooms, in their own beds since the day we came home from the hospital with each of them. All three of them went to the nursery at night in the hospital. If they sleep in mommy and daddy’s bed it is for a special occasion.
They are great, loving, smart, funny, independent, self-assured kids.
Comment by Kristina at Me and My Momma’s Money on Feb 27 2010 12:20:34:
I think you made the best point. What works for one kid doesn’t work for all. I think when people understand that, it’s better for everyone! Don’t you hate people telling you that what you’re doing is wrong, no matter what it is? Well, maybe it was wrong for their child but not yours! That’s one of the biggest things I’ve learned from motherhood. Be glad when something works for you, but don’t force it on anyone else.
Now when everyone else learns that we will all be a lot happier!